my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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