and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
