Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
