I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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