4 words: hood of his car
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
