dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
