My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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