Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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