So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
