You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
