I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize