I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
