last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
