I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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