highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize