The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
