You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize