He uses pillows to masturbate.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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