No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
