Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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