I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
