She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
