alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
