Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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