The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
