My nipple is on Facebook.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize