So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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