I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I want a musical about memes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize