Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Someone signed my nipple.
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