I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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