ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
