Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How does one acquire holy water?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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