I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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