It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
