mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it hurts more in the daytime
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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