you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
