thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
