Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
