I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
