My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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