I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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