and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
