Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
