I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
