At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
