Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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