You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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