you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
