i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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