I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
