And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
false alarm, still single
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