the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
