can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
