I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
