it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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