Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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