I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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