I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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