You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
